Why Can't I Just Paint?

My studio is too hot,  I want to be outside where it's too hot, I have a dog, I have a son, I want to go somewhere; so many reasons why I don't paint. I realized today though something more difficult to get past.

I realize there is necessary discipline in painting, writing and any other creative endeavor but the question today is what if you're just not there yet? I cleaned the studio, and was able to see the previous paintings, there are so many things that have changed and continue to change in how I see and how I want to show what I've seen.

There is another stumbling block, the purpose in painting, I've always said I'd prefer not just paint a landscape with no feeling. There are so many intangible feelings that seem to haunt me and those are the core of what I want to show.

There a darkness, a loneliness, a separation that all seem to follow my work. It seems lately there is perhaps a bit more, too much time alone working as a traveling sales person I guess. Now I have the insight of being alone and feeling content in being alone but there is still that feeling of unease that I feel and want to show.

My painting has gone from very dark, more realistic and than bright, rich and fun, now I feel I've jumped back to dark but there is something else that I want to say and that seems very cryptic at the moment.

In this recent sitting, I realized I want to get back to painting night and water with the skill and clarity of older works and yet with some sort of intangible light I've only recently realized. This light I think is from being immersed with photography lately.